Point/Counterpoint

I've got a gun in my hand but that gun won't cock
My finger's on the trigger but that trigger seems locked
I can't stop staring at the tick-tock clock
And even if I could I would never give up
With a vest on my chest, a bullet in my lung
I can't believe I'm dying with my song unsung
And if and when I die won't you bury me alone?
Because I'll never get to heaven if I'm singing this song:

If there was something wrong would you be oh so strong?
Would you do what it takes to move this hollow life along?
I'd like to think I would, you know I'd like to think I would
But I guarantee that what you see is not reality
And every time she makes a point I make a counterpoint
She said, "It's easy but in the end you'll have no choice,
And you know that's only just the way it goes."
(You said it right man, that is just the way it goes)
And the days, and the days they seem like forever
And the days, and the days they seem like forever
But forever isn't ever enough

I'd like to sing a song (promise you won't be long)
I'll try not to be long but I don't want to get this story wrong
There was a kid who never cared about the little things
Don't even bother 'cause I'm tired and I'm sick of it
And every time she makes a point I'll make a counterpoint
She said, "It's easy but in the end you'll have no choice,
and you know that's only just the way it goes."
(You said it right man, that is just the way it goes)

[chorus]
Oh, you don't know where I've been
Oh, you don't know what I've seen

If I did something right
Would you give up this fight?
Would you say you were wrong and maybe someone else was kind of right
I'd like to think you would, you know I'd like to think you would
But I can't guarantee that what you get is an apology
Jump back to the day we met I never
Thought that it would end this way if ever
I let you down I want to ask of you
To take it down a notch and we can talk it on through

And the days, and the days they seem like forever
And the days, and the days they seem like forever
But forever isn't ever enough
I'd like to sing a song (promise you won't be long)
I'll try not to be long but i don't want to get this story wrong
there was a chick who never cared about the little things
don't bother 'cause i still don't give a shit
and every time she makes a point i'll make a counterpoint
she said it's easy but in the end you'll have no choice
and you know that's only just the way it goes
(you said it right man, that is just the way it goes)

[chorus]
Oh, you don't know where I've been
Oh, you don't know what I've seen

So tell me friend: how's it going to end?
When the shit goes down
And there's no one left around to get your back
You'll crack
You'll smile and agree with everything they say
They'll try to tell you that it's all okay
But it's not and you're shot and you're bleeding pretty bad
And you can't stop thinking about the things you never had
Like a wife and a kid and the things you never did
You're running around
You're living a life that's empty in the end, my friend
No, you'll take back all you've said
Oh, when the regrets fill your head
Trust me I've been there before
I would not wish it upon my greatest enemy
What irony
Once friends, but I find: you'll have to learn this lesson on your own

So I waited by the phone but that phone never rang
And I sang so loud so I wouldn't hear the bang
When the bang never came
And I never got the call: Fuck it! Thank you! I love you all!
Some are going to say that we're doomed to repeat
All our past mistakes
Great
But that's not me
And even if it was I would always disagree
Because in the end I always get the better of me

[chorus]
Oh, I'll take you where I've been
Oh, I'll show you what I've seen

"I wanted a man who'd commit, not a man who was committed. Apparently we have to be more specific."
--> Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & the City

The Count

It's been 6 and a half months. And on saturday would be two years.

Endless Corridors

the closer i get to the light it seems, the farther it gets.
it sucks how one day you'll feel on top of the world and the next your will to live is virtually nonexistant. i don't know if that's just me.
there are times where i have so much hope. i look towards the future and push straight ahead through everything.
but then there are times where the hope isn't there so much anymore. i feel like the weight i have to carry is immensley increased, like wading through a swamp that's waist high.

i don't know.

since when have i actually been happy? and not feeding off of the joy i get from someone else?

i am happy when i am at the piano. but the affection you get from another human really doesn't compare.

it comes and goes i guess.
its been almost three months. why am i still counting?
i thought it was no more.

its been three months. and i've changed since then.
its been three months, and while i thought to have gotten her out of my head, these flashbacks, well they dont help my situation. its the worst, because you think about every single small detail. well i do at least.

why do we fear the inevitable?

if we do well we might as well go live in the poverty. and just die off.

it just really makes me wonder if that's done with and gone or if maybe one day, it will be what it was in the past.

not that i still have feelings for her. but the memories were nice.

just running down these endless corridors, searching for whats right. for me at least.

the weekends get shorter.

the weeks seem to get longer, and the weekends aren't as long as i need them to be.
i've been real busy lately. with school, and solo and ensemble, and i went swimming yesterday as well, but we'll touch that in second.
so this weekend was pretty fun.
friday night i chilled with alex and emilio, and went to see jchao at work, which seemed like a good idea until she ignored me the whole time. oh well, idc, maybe its cause she's at work. but hope is gone there, but whatevskies.
other than that, i scored lucky kills on alex and emilio all night on mw2:D
yesterday was great.
i slept in, because it was nice and dark in my room. and it was only an hour til i had plans to get "dive" into swimming with connor and jack.
which seemed like a good idea at the time, that until i cramped my left calf. so i shook it off, strecthed it until it wasn't bothering me anymore, and next thing i know, my right calf cramped. haha, yeah it was great.
we went to my house afterwards and played kingdom hearts and just kinda kicked back and tried to figure out lazerquest.
funny thing was me, alex, and jack were all supposed to have dates.
well my date, which was supposed to be jchao, didn't really work out. so i asked sarah ballard, and she told me she wanted to, but she had to babysit. i was going to ask kristen, but she was hanging out with arielle and i know how that is. and i asked alex neely and she said maybe, but i honestly didn't want to bring her unless i absolutely had to. so, next option? andrea rathbun? sure, why not. :D so it wasn't really much of a date. just a hang.
and there was a catch. THE catch. the catch-22? she had to bring chalktalk. (rofl)
so alex was supposed to bring kelsie gerdon(chick from the farm) but she was being a flake, so he asked kaite fox but she was being a bitch, so i told him to ask jchao instead of me, but she still didn't come. rofl.
jack wanted to bring shay, but shay was babysitting. so he tried to get olivia but she was with her horse, and tried to ask cassidy cutter but she was at the movies.

WE FAIL AT GETTING DATES. lol

something out of the ordinary that inspires me?

well.

i get alot of inspiration out of underground artists. because i guess im underground in a metaphorical way too. we're all kinda on the same boat. and i want to make my music as amazing as theirs one day.

/cyborg.

An Optimum one

Today, well today I got up and watched fresh prince of bel air, then was gonna play mgs 3 for an hour, well that turned into a few. There is so many uniforms to get. And I started another file since I beat it. Then painted a little bit, went to work, got extended again till 10. Did you know there was a con man in new York from way back that sold the manhattan bridge twice a week. That's pretty cool right there, he got caught though and had to go to jail, that put a little downer on it. I'm considering now to buy some lockpicks once again. Finally I can learn how to pick locks. On another note, I got another job opportunity at work today, gonna meet with him sometime next week at a starbucks to talk about it. Maybe it can make me some money. I can move to San Francisco soon as my friends get the ok from their landlord. Then I call the DSW up there and see if they'll let me transfer so I have a job. I'm gonna miss driving my car, we have a date tomorrow :D I'm thinking it'll run me around $300, golddigger she is. But I love her, she treats me nice most of the time :P anyway, this is coming to a close, now. The end. What's something out of the ordinary that inspires you?

where we are.

today was a day of sorts.
nothing to exciting in the morning, except that my physics teacher was a beast in NASA, and shot a tank with a gattling gun before. (pro)
sarah ballard was gorgeous today. its so ridiculous.
froelich is off the rocker, rumor is? that her stress level is getting so high that she is in danger for heart attack. she needs a day off or two, or five. i'm kinda worried, supposedly crying this morning? wow.
she's losing it. weird, cause i'm gaining momentum again.
i've been rehearsing with people for solo and ensemble, and its not as tedious as it was before and i feel pretty confident about what i need to do. and of course the money that will be in my pocket.
the end of the day was really interesting. there was a guard sectional in the bandroom today, so me and connor chilled in the office and blasted some music and were througougly embarrased by dancing being oblvious to the whole colorguard watching. (just my luck.)
after the rehearsal, they all go home, but one calls me. stephy.
and she asks if connor can take her home, and i felt bad saying no. so i just walked her home.
i went inside and she has a nice home. home alone? yeah. did i try anything? nah, you would i think i would have, but it was just nice to chill.
so connor picked me back up and we ran back to school to do his stuff for his audition which went well. and after he treated me to dinner at bdubs for which danny and beans joined us.
and came home,well here i am. downloading the new ipod update and hopefully off to bed soon.

ryan, we need to chill soon.

/cyborg.

Reflections in the water

Today has been a good day. I woke up, ate my waffles(that 60 pack from costco is still not gone :D) while watching some fresh prince. No matter how many times I've seen it I've never gotten tired of it. Great show. Anyway, I tried making another screen to use to print on a shirt, an I messed up another sheet of emulsion, those things are 9 bucks a piece man. But in the process of messing it up I figured out how to do it right. So I can now make one tomorrow, yea right. I gotta get up early, exercise for once lately then go paint the shed walls white. It's gonna be so much fun I wanna go to sleep now just so it gets here sooner. Lmao, just playing, but it won't be too bad. I've found comfort in working. 8 hours of work today, wasn't bad at all. Chores when I get home, still not bad. Painting tomorrow, sure. Work at my moms work, ok. It's fun. Not as fun as playing metal gear solid. But I feel much more accomplished. I'm gonna draw a little now then off to sleep. We gotta hang again soon Jason.

place to be.

is it here?
is it now?

sometimes i wonder.
but when i play, i know its here.

a love affair with sound. nothing more, nothing less.

/cyborg.

Realization G

I haven't blogged in a long time. Farah's actually posted more than me haha. So, I don't have much to write about, nothing been really going on with my life. My car is leaking water somewhere near the engine so this weekend I'll be working on it. I'm pretty excited, I miss working on cars, I don't miss doing nearly everything wrong, or not being able to remember where things go, but working on engines I miss none the less. I've been playing metal gear solid a lot lately. My friends mark and Jeromy moved up to San Francisco, I wish I was up there with them, but I'm not, one day I will be. Hopefully soon. Work has been going good. I'm getting 16 scheduled hours, 20 or more when I take other peoples shifts like last week, I got around 26 hours, it's gonna be a nice check. That's about it. No girl or relationship problems. I did realize Jason has a few girls that like him, and farah's got a few guys that wanna get with her, and I've got no one. Is that a good thing I wonder? Maybe it makes me the smart one? No wonder I'm Brains haha. But then again some nights it gets pretty lonely. But what can you do? I do miss Yuki, texting her to pass the time while I was in the emergency room, starting to hang out at school andon bus routes, it all came together so nicely, it was awkward to talk, which is a bad sign, but I'm sure we could've fixed it, just had to getmore used to each other. I was gonna ask her out at homecoming, but she changed her mind a week before. Then I found out through Kim Yuki decided not to go because she liked me and I wasn't showing any signs that I liked her back. Man I wish I could try again with her. She's got a boyfriend now, they've been going good for awhile too. That's life I guess? What can I do? Nothing, Dante's Peak is on now, it's a good movie. Have you noticed in commercials the only Asian girls they show are ones that look part white, and if they don't they don't speak lmao. Anyway, so much for not having much to write. Till next time, hopefully it won't be so long as last time.